It's About Relationships
So let's get back to it
After college, I decided to forego grad school (in part because I didn’t necessarily rock the GRE) and moved to DC to volunteer for a year. I lived in a community with five other recent college graduates from across the Midwest just like me. We all had social service jobs working for almost no pay and had to pool our resources so we could eat and pay rent. We had no money, no TV, no cell phones, just each other. It was the best.
Why? Because I was in deep relationship with these people, Ellie, Kristin, Amy, Dave and Curtis. We did everything together: cooking, eating, cleaning, commuting, working, traveling, and going out (or staying in) and having fun. We had endless conversations, talking and sharing, laughing and crying, getting to know each other and ourselves on the deepest of levels. I felt so alive and so happy during that time because all those wonderful people were in my life.
And here I am 30 years later, not feeling quite that. Don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderful family who I love spending time with. That’s truly a gift, which I don’t take for granted. But as you get older, it gets harder to make friends and maintain friendships outside of that. After working all day, fulfilling my daily duties as a husband and a father, and helping out and tackling projects around the house, there isn’t much time or energy left for other people.
Life is good, but I want more. I want to feel happier and more fulfilled. I want to feel fuller and freer. I want to feel more energized and empowered. I want to be filled with curiosity and courage. I want to create and build. I want to be better and accomplish more.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development is the longest-running study on happiness in the country, following over 700 men from a variety of socioeconomic backgrounds beginning when they were teenage undergrads in 1938. (And here’s a book that come out a year ago highlighting findings and learnings from the study: The Good Life, which I just started reading.) No matter what these men experienced during their lifetime the study found that, the key to happiness is close relationships with spouses, family, friends and neighbors. Personal connection is a mood booster and personal isolation is a mood buster. And better relationships don’t only make you happier, they make you healthier.
“The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.” (Robert Waldinger, Director of The Harvard Study of Adult Development)
So, that’s my goal for 2024: up level my relationships. What brings me the most energy is being around other people, talking, laughing, sharing, connecting, and I want more of it. Here’s how I plan to deepen my relationship:
· With myself by practicing lovingkindness meditation for 10 minutes every morning
· With my wife by making more time for her, talking less and listening more
· With my daughters by hanging out, not doing anything and talking about whatever
· With my friends (in the area) by having coffee or breakfast at least once per month
· With my friends (from the past) by reconnecting through an email or a call
· With my colleagues by getting to know them better, what they enjoy doing and what they care about outside of work
· With my network by having two 30 min. catch-up calls per month
· With everyone by sending more notes just to let them know that I’m thinking about them
Overall, my goal is to spend more time and be more intentional, tending to the relationships and caring for the people in my life. We need more of exactly that in our world right now; places where we can feel safe, loved and encouraged in the midst of all the chaos and vitriol. To become a positive life force within our respective circles of influence. Granted, it’s harder to devote the necessary time and energy to relationships in your 50s vs. your 20s because you have so many more responsibilities and demands on you. But it’s vital and doable, and ultimately so enjoyable and rewarding, just like it was back in DC so long ago.